Coping

Things have been rough lately. I've tried working full time a few times, but after a few weeks I end up having anxiety attacks.  I don't want anyone's sympathy, but I do expect some iota of decent human dignity.  A lot of you are judge jury and executioner, but you don't have all the facts of events that happened nearly a decade ago, and if you can't overcome your biases or believe that people can change who and what they are, then go to someone else's page.

I've struggled to write for years now, it's partially the medication, largely fear.  Sometimes you have to bury what you feel or it overcomes you, but at the same time you can only carry so many stones on your back.  Everyone makes terrible decisions or mistakes at some point in their life.  I chose to stand up and take responsibilities for actions that happened when I wasn't even in my right mind.  I did so because honesty and responsibility were integral parts of who I wanted to be.  I was losing who I was, I would wake up at work after a 90 mile drive hopped up on Ambien.  I lost months of memory, I wound up in houses I didn't know. I took the magic pills to sleep, but when I was asleep I wasn't sleeping.

I took responsibility for actions that I barely remembered I did, but the price was far too high. I was not good to my wife, and I deeply regret the pain I caused her, but I never once did not provide for, shelter,  or love my daughter, and I haven't been able to be a part of her life since.  That's going to change, soon.  I'm done lying on my back and letting people continue to throw stones.  Beyond redemption has been my mantra for sometime, but that's bullshit.  I have no doubts about the karma that follows me.  You can't judge a man his entire life by the worst mistake he made, and ignore all the good he has done and continues to do.

Jenna, I love you, and I miss you more than anything on the face of the planet, and Emily... though you'll never read this, I'm truly sorry for what I did, and regret many things WE did.

Before you judge me... Judge yourself.